There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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