i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
