I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
