Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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