I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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