When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
