I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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