I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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