a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
