I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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