We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
