think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
