You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Let's get the cat blown out
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
