normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
