I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I did not marry a roomba.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
