So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
