I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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