she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
