Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
