did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
