There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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