Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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