If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
