dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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