About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
