I wish my penis had an off switch
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
is it fun? or sober?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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