My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
