I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
