just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
