Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
