i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
