She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.