forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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