this boner is exhausting
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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