apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
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That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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