sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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