The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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