I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
