In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
