I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
