so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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