you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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