I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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