nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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