Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
