Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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