Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
