Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
