I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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