I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
