i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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