1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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