Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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