I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
