I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
