Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
