My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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