I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
