Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
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nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
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I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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