I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.