Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend