She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.