I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt